NEVER ENOUGH SHADOW
“Just one more, then I’ll be happy”
Core Fear: Dying Unfulfilled and Unloved
Strategy: Your actions are focused upon getting something (money, food, knowledge, sex, objects – literally anything) which you believe will bring you happiness and fulfillment. This is because you have a hollow empty feeling inside of you which never seems to get filled. This is experienced as a constant craving. The origin of this hollow feeling is real or perceived abandonment – you did not get the love you needed (in reality or you saw it that way), and you decided that you never will get it from that person, typically your mother or father. Now you try to fill that ‘hole’ with substitutes.
Power Game: You will do whatever you need to do to get what you want. This may involve manipulation, lying or deceptiveness.
Key Problem: You are so focused and aware of what you do not have, that you ignore what you already have. Therefore, you have a real problem with gratitude and appreciation of people who love you. The need to ‘have’ what you crave can be so strong that it over-rides your values and can be enormously destructive of relationships and other structures in your life, including finances and your health. Essentially, nothing is ‘enough’ – nothing totally satisfies you – you constantly are on the prowl for more: “Just one more, then I’ll be happy”.
Body Impact: A distinctive physical characteristic of this Shadow is the roving eyes that appear to be quite predatory, always looking around for something. High energy – sometimes even excessively so. If this Shadow is strong, there is a potential for binge-purge behaviour, such as with food, alcohol or drugs.
Outcome: Nothing ever satisfies you, so you create exactly what you fear most – dying unfulfilled and unloved.
Development & Decisions – Various Ways:
The development of this Shadow centres around ABANDONMENT of you, by someone
important, such as your mother or father. It is crucial to understand specific things about
this abandonment, as some people find it difficult to find a ‘good reason’, based upon
past events, in understanding this so called ‘abandonment’.
Consequences in Adulthood
The dominant feeling is that there is not enough to go around, and a constant feeling of deprivation. This is not always apparent, but becomes quite noticeable when there is stress in your life. You may obsessively accumulate objects – even relationships – and this obsession can cause you to lose relationships in the process. This Shadow is highly energised and active.
Because of the deep-seated belief that you will only ever have a substitute for the real thing (the love you wanted from one/both parents), this leads you to be highly suspicious of everything you get, even the real thing. It is likely that you will make decisions that destroy what you already have, because what you ‘have’ is not your focus. Instead, the only thing you obsess about, is what you do not have. Therefore, you may turn down a good job because “There has to be a catch somewhere”, or you may ignore loyal friends for the possibility of more exciting and influential friends. You may even destroy a perfectly loving relationship or marriage by having affairs, ‘in case’ there is someone better out there for you.
Because of your deep mistrust, you may turn down or criticise things or people, and find fault with them. Nothing is good enough. For you, there is no such thing as ‘enough’. Because you discard things so easily (in case there is something better out there), you may end up with nothing. Greed creates the deprivation that is so feared. This has two aspects: You want everything (gluttonous), or you deprive yourself (a miser who holds on to everything in case there is no more). You may even fluctuate between the two. Regardless, you feel deprived, whether you have too much or too little. A strange manifestation of this is when you sabotage yourself in getting what you say you really want. This is because of the terror that even the ‘real thing’ will not satisfy. “If what I want does not satisfy my, there will be no more point in living! I must ensure that I never get to that point”. When you are in a situation where you fail to get what you want, you are likely to slide into the Self-Destructive Shadow for a while: “What is the point? We all die anyway”.
The big lie of this Shadow is that “Just one more thing will bring satisfaction”, because it never does. The hole inside of you can only be partially or temporarily filled by any substitute. The argument is: “But if I don’t desire something better, then I will never grow, improve, learn!” Craving is not wanting. Craving hurts. Wanting to grow, learn, improve is natural and filled with pleasure.
Health: Consuming too much or depriving yourself is damaging to your health. This can result in addictions (drugs or alcohol) and weight problems, such as anorexia and bulemia.
Creativity: The striving for ‘getting’ something is more important than the goal to express. This destroys creativity. Greed can also cause sexual fixations, such as fetishes.
Relationships: You are a classic Taker – you demand from the other person, and give little back. You want a lot from a partner, and resent any slip in his/her attentiveness, understanding and sympathy. You desperately need your partner, but you resent him/her for not giving you exactly what you want. This drives your partner away. You become unfaithful in order to punish your partner for not being perfect, or you may be unfaithful in order to find more attention. Your spouse may have an affair to get away from you.
Spirituality: You may have a greed for teachers, gurus, or knowledge. But you never find the ‘right’ one that has all the answers or that fills all your needs. You search, but you never find. You may be greedy for a leader’s attention. This Shadow may lead to a belief that the more you sacrifice or pay, the more salvation you will get. Greed may also revert into self-deprivation, such as a total rejection of all material things, sex or pleasure.
How to Deal With the Greed Shadow
Your primary task is to fill the hole inside of you with self-love
You may never obtain the love of someone specific, no matter how hard you try. It is not your right to insist that someone ‘should’ love you. She/he either does, or does not. Therefore, to regain your power, your task is to begin to create love by yourself, and for yourself. Until you do that, the hole will remain open, and this prevents you from giving love to anyone else.
Core Fear: Dying Unfulfilled and Unloved
Strategy: Your actions are focused upon getting something (money, food, knowledge, sex, objects – literally anything) which you believe will bring you happiness and fulfillment. This is because you have a hollow empty feeling inside of you which never seems to get filled. This is experienced as a constant craving. The origin of this hollow feeling is real or perceived abandonment – you did not get the love you needed (in reality or you saw it that way), and you decided that you never will get it from that person, typically your mother or father. Now you try to fill that ‘hole’ with substitutes.
Power Game: You will do whatever you need to do to get what you want. This may involve manipulation, lying or deceptiveness.
Key Problem: You are so focused and aware of what you do not have, that you ignore what you already have. Therefore, you have a real problem with gratitude and appreciation of people who love you. The need to ‘have’ what you crave can be so strong that it over-rides your values and can be enormously destructive of relationships and other structures in your life, including finances and your health. Essentially, nothing is ‘enough’ – nothing totally satisfies you – you constantly are on the prowl for more: “Just one more, then I’ll be happy”.
Body Impact: A distinctive physical characteristic of this Shadow is the roving eyes that appear to be quite predatory, always looking around for something. High energy – sometimes even excessively so. If this Shadow is strong, there is a potential for binge-purge behaviour, such as with food, alcohol or drugs.
Outcome: Nothing ever satisfies you, so you create exactly what you fear most – dying unfulfilled and unloved.
Development & Decisions – Various Ways:
The development of this Shadow centres around ABANDONMENT of you, by someone
important, such as your mother or father. It is crucial to understand specific things about
this abandonment, as some people find it difficult to find a ‘good reason’, based upon
past events, in understanding this so called ‘abandonment’.
- It could have been Physical Abandonment:
- Mother or Father literally leaving you either with someone else, or just leaving.
- Being given up for adoption.
- Being sent to boarding school.
- Parent physically absent due to illness, such as being in hospital.
- Parent physically absent due to working far from home.
- It could be Emotional Abandonment:
- Mother or Father work long hours, thereby not spending much time with you.
- Mother or Father are drug addicts or alcoholics, and although they are physically present, she/he was not emotionally ‘there’ for you.
- Emotionally distant parent(s). Although they were physically present, you did not feel as if she/he was emotionally ‘there’ for you.
- Regardless of the physical event(s), you FELT abandoned - from a child’s perspective, not
- When this abandonment occurred, or sometime thereafter, you made a decision that: “No
- In order to fill this ‘hole’ inside of you, you start to look for substitutes that make you feel
- The nature of the substitute can be anything – it all depends on the development needs of the child when the abandonment occurred. It can range from food (linked to eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia), drugs, alcohol, knowledge (books and courses), shopping, or a whole range of other possible ‘things’. To determine your own substitute, think of what you do when you are very upset: What do you do to feel better? Eat? Shop? Buy a book? Have Sex?
- Because the child feels so deprived, she/he focuses on what is not there, as opposed to what is there. Also, the child will idealise what is missing. This leads to envy – wanting what others have. This may lead to theft. “The grass is always greener on the other side”… “The glass is always half empty, not half full”.
Consequences in Adulthood
The dominant feeling is that there is not enough to go around, and a constant feeling of deprivation. This is not always apparent, but becomes quite noticeable when there is stress in your life. You may obsessively accumulate objects – even relationships – and this obsession can cause you to lose relationships in the process. This Shadow is highly energised and active.
Because of the deep-seated belief that you will only ever have a substitute for the real thing (the love you wanted from one/both parents), this leads you to be highly suspicious of everything you get, even the real thing. It is likely that you will make decisions that destroy what you already have, because what you ‘have’ is not your focus. Instead, the only thing you obsess about, is what you do not have. Therefore, you may turn down a good job because “There has to be a catch somewhere”, or you may ignore loyal friends for the possibility of more exciting and influential friends. You may even destroy a perfectly loving relationship or marriage by having affairs, ‘in case’ there is someone better out there for you.
Because of your deep mistrust, you may turn down or criticise things or people, and find fault with them. Nothing is good enough. For you, there is no such thing as ‘enough’. Because you discard things so easily (in case there is something better out there), you may end up with nothing. Greed creates the deprivation that is so feared. This has two aspects: You want everything (gluttonous), or you deprive yourself (a miser who holds on to everything in case there is no more). You may even fluctuate between the two. Regardless, you feel deprived, whether you have too much or too little. A strange manifestation of this is when you sabotage yourself in getting what you say you really want. This is because of the terror that even the ‘real thing’ will not satisfy. “If what I want does not satisfy my, there will be no more point in living! I must ensure that I never get to that point”. When you are in a situation where you fail to get what you want, you are likely to slide into the Self-Destructive Shadow for a while: “What is the point? We all die anyway”.
The big lie of this Shadow is that “Just one more thing will bring satisfaction”, because it never does. The hole inside of you can only be partially or temporarily filled by any substitute. The argument is: “But if I don’t desire something better, then I will never grow, improve, learn!” Craving is not wanting. Craving hurts. Wanting to grow, learn, improve is natural and filled with pleasure.
Health: Consuming too much or depriving yourself is damaging to your health. This can result in addictions (drugs or alcohol) and weight problems, such as anorexia and bulemia.
Creativity: The striving for ‘getting’ something is more important than the goal to express. This destroys creativity. Greed can also cause sexual fixations, such as fetishes.
Relationships: You are a classic Taker – you demand from the other person, and give little back. You want a lot from a partner, and resent any slip in his/her attentiveness, understanding and sympathy. You desperately need your partner, but you resent him/her for not giving you exactly what you want. This drives your partner away. You become unfaithful in order to punish your partner for not being perfect, or you may be unfaithful in order to find more attention. Your spouse may have an affair to get away from you.
Spirituality: You may have a greed for teachers, gurus, or knowledge. But you never find the ‘right’ one that has all the answers or that fills all your needs. You search, but you never find. You may be greedy for a leader’s attention. This Shadow may lead to a belief that the more you sacrifice or pay, the more salvation you will get. Greed may also revert into self-deprivation, such as a total rejection of all material things, sex or pleasure.
How to Deal With the Greed Shadow
Your primary task is to fill the hole inside of you with self-love
You may never obtain the love of someone specific, no matter how hard you try. It is not your right to insist that someone ‘should’ love you. She/he either does, or does not. Therefore, to regain your power, your task is to begin to create love by yourself, and for yourself. Until you do that, the hole will remain open, and this prevents you from giving love to anyone else.
- Identify the person whose love you wanted, and whom you believe could not, or would not, give it to you. Imagine that you could know what it would feel like to be completely loved by him or her. Where in your body would you feel this love? What shape would this love-energy take? What colour would it be? Now create as much of this love as you want by doubling and redoubling this love-energy shape inside of you. Fill all the holes inside of you. Notice that you can create as much as you could possibly want, plus more. In fact, imagine that you have so much that you could give some of it back to that other person.
- Identify what you already have. Look around you. Look at all the things you take for granted, including your partner and friends. They exist. You have them. They may not be perfect, but then again, nor are you. Whenever you are feeling deprived, look around you.